Body Image

Disclaimer: this is more of an inner dialogue blog. I wrote this throughout my day as thoughts came up.

Let’s talk about body image and what that means. Google says, “a person’s subjective picture or mental image of their own body.” I don’t need to be perfect but I desire to be seen as attractive. I used to want everyone to be attractived to me. However through some hair choices it started becoming less of a priority. I just need the one person to find me attractive but what about my size?

I am easily influenced by people. I knew that before but I didn’t know how much until the race. Being surrounded by people you didn’t pick and don’t have the same values as you is hard. I don’t believe in the same things they do. I don’t care about social media because it only gives one side of the vast majority of what is going on. I don’t touch up my pictures and lastly, I feel good in my clothes. However, that last one hasn’t been the case lately. Trying to fit in and trying to look good while in a very different body than everyone around me is discouraging. I know I don’t want to have to look good to fit in, but why am I so easily influenced? You don’t wear clothes for style, you wear them for functionality. You like color!

I used to like my clothes. For some reason when you go on this program, you think you’re going to change. The way you look and dress will be transformed but the truth is that doesn’t happen. You have women and men still dressing decades behind because they feel good in it. I took this opportunity to grow out my hair because I thought that was what I needed. Fun fact I hate long hair! I didn’t realize this until growing it out for this trip but now I know. I love my short hair and I don’t think I need to change it.

Feeling comfortable in your own body: I am the heaviest person on this squad and I had that realization when I suggested a teammate try on my jeans. She was drowning in them. They didn’t even fit a little. It was like a little girl trying on her father’s pants.

Weight. Weight. Weight. Sometimes all I think about is weight these days. I’ve considered changing my lifestyle to exercise or eat differently but it’s all in vain, it’s all vanity. Is that really where my worth comes from? Is that really what makes me important? I do wonder if this whole experience would be different if I was thinner. Would people treat me differently if I fit into their standard of beauty? But what is that all for? To be noticed, listened to, and recognized as someone wise? However, the lie is my appearance affects how people view me and maybe to some people it does but it shouldn’t to these people. The people who are close to me, who have chosen to follow Christ.

My identity is found in the Lord and nothing else. Not what I wear or how I dress. Not the weight that’s on my body or the length of my hair. God cares about one thing and one thing only, my devotion to Him. While we humans squirm around on this physical earth, He smiles down at us and tells us not to worry because He has it all handled. God is providing for us, now what are we going to do? My identity comes from the Lord. Not what I look like or how attractive I am. My identity comes from the Lord. Not how others see me or view me.  

My identity comes from the Lord.