Inner Healing

Before coming to training camp, I was struggling to hear the Lord. There was a time in my life when God and I talked a lot. However, there was an incident where I heard something I didn’t understand and became scared of that voice I heard in my head. So I questioned this voice and stopped listening to it. At the World Race Training Camp that was addressed.

It wasn’t that I didn’t hear the Lord anymore but I was scared to listen to that voice. Everyone can hear the Holy Spirit but the question is are you on the right frequency? I asked my mentor about what I heard from the Lord that I didn’t understand and she gave me some clarify on it. This opened a door to the Lord again and now I talk to the Lord so much more.

Nevertheless, with hearing the Lord, there is still a lot of fear. In my blog about being baptized a second time I mentioned that I wanted the fear to be gone. However, I am still struggling with it.

In incident where I heard something I didn’t understand from the Lord, that something was a no. He said no to me for being a S.E.E.D. leader at Camp Sagitawa in 2022. This put me in a state of confusion as I had already signed up and been accepted for the role.  I asked God the question,  “Should I be a S.E.E.D. leader?” after I was accepted because I was scared of the role. Therefore, when I received an answer I wasn’t expecting I didn’t know what to do with it. If I was actually to say no to this role now, I would let so many people down. They were counting on me to be in this role because I filled a gap that they needed. My mentor stated that it was my reputation God was challenging me on.

I pride myself on being a reliable person, especially to the people I love most and I love the people who work at Camp Sagitawa. I believe God wanted me to let that go. I am not sure what it would’ve looked like if I had listened. Maybe it would’ve been, an Abraham and Isaac situation, where God would have given the role back to me. However, I won’t ever know now. I lost out on that opportunity to grow in my walk with the Lord. Nevertheless, there is still time for me. I am out here trying to listen and obey the Lord.

What I have been learning;

1. Because we as Christians have the Holy Spirit inside us, we cannot be possessed by other spirits.
2. However, that doesn’t mean that other spirits can’t cling to us from the outside.

We allow things in our lives that welcome other spirits to hold onto us from the outside. (Not from the inside because that would be possession and we can’t be possessed by other spirits because the Holy Spirit already habituates inside us).

Reputation is a spirit that has sunk its fingers into me. We can see this in my last story and the fear that grips me when it comes to listening and obeying the Lord. I have come into agreement of the spirit of reputation. I believe it’s lies that it feeds me that I am who people say I am. That is why it has been so hard to get rid of.

I am fearful of what people will think of me if I step out of the norm of what people do and God is asking me to do exactly that. I believe, my reputation will be tarnished if I lay my idea of myself into God’s hands. I have made myself to be someone I value. I’ve looked at others and tried to be the person who I think is admirable and be the opposite of the people who have hurt me. And now God is asking me to die to that person I thought He created. Maybe I’ve idolized that person too much. He wants more of me and less of what I can give.

My story is not done. God is still working inside of me in heal those inner parts of myself. God wants me to step away from my spirit of reputation and step into what He has for me.